La Frontera
“MAMI!!!! MAMA!!!!” were the last words Sofia ever told her mother Lourdes 20 years ago. It’s been 20 years today on Sofia’s birthday which is also her graduation date from under
grad school, and the wounds are still fresh. She was only 4 years old when she was taken away from her mother in la Frontera. You see what many people don’t seem to realize are the
opportunities they’re given here in America. America is the land where you are free, and your
dreams come true is what my mother would always tell me. America is the land where they
welcome us, they welcome all immigrants. A land made for equality and opportunities, a place
for a fresh start. It’s crazy how the same land that is open for everyone stripped me from the
only source of love I ever had. The woman who birthed me and gave me life, the woman who
always tried her best to give me what I needed, the woman who gave me my curly hair, the
woman who showed me to be strong no matter what, whose blood runs thru mine…was taken from me solely because we crossed la Frontera .
I was only 4 years old when we were leaving my country El Salvador, my beautiful country was corrupt by la marra (ms13) and had attacked my mom’s store. It was a matter of time until they killed her, and my mom knew we had to flee from there. My dad was killed by an ms13 member execution style in front of my mother, who was pregnant with me, all because he wouldn’t give them the money he had; the money he was using to buy my mother a new bed to help with her aching back. My beautiful mother has suffered in ways unimaginable, she is by far the strongest woman I know.
From surviving the death of her husband while pregnant, to standing up to ferocious gang members in a country where you have no safety; my mother was a true soldier. She wasn’t like those weak soldiers who took me away from her, she wasn’t evil, ignorant, or racist, and she was truly an angel. I remember this day just like it was yesterday…. sometimes I still replay them in my nightmares…it was a cold night when my mother had dressed me and made me carry a heavy backpack. She filled my bag with our birth certificates, pictures of her and papa, and she packed tortillas in a bag and so many water bottles. I remember taking one last look at my room, my favorite Elmo night late still plugged in, the Sala where my favorite couch stayed my life all left behind. We took a long drive for days, mami drove nonstop for what felt like forever until we finally arrived in Monterrey, Mexico. We met up with a huge group of people mostly men, and we all hopped on a train, except this train didn’t stop. You had to run as fast as you could and hop on it and hopefully land on it and not miss it. Mami almost didn’t make it, I remember I couldn’t stop crying. The thought of just losing her made me so scared. When she landed on the train I could tell she was exhausted and hurt; her knee was bleeding but she continued to smile and hold me.
We stayed on the smelly train for days, my mother didn’t sleep. She stayed up and
made sure no one touched her or me. This smelly train felt like it was never ending; everyday it felt more and more like a pig pen. Seeing men pee in front of me, hearing hungry babies cry and cry and seeing my beautiful mother still smile and tell me bedtime stories to help me sleep. As crazy as it may sound, I never felt more secured in my life as those nights I spent with my mother on that train. Even though our situation wasn’t the best, as long as she smiled and held me I knew everything was going to be okay. When we finally arrived a few miles short of la Frontera we had to begin walking.
At this point it's night time, pitch black, you couldn’t even see what was ahead of you and mami told me to run as fast as I could when she would tap me. I remember seeing the fence and before I knew it, I saw red and blue lights and loud alarms surrounding all of us. I ran to my mom’s arms and we ran to nearby bushes, but it didn’t work. They got us, La migra. These soldiers were talking to us in English but we couldn’t understand anything that they said. But they grabbed hundreds of us and loaded us into trucks as if we were pigs about to be slaughtered. “The quiero mucho mi china linda, toda va estar bien ya no llore mamita” my mom kept telling me. But how could I calm down? I didn’t even know where we were, I didn’t know where we were going, and I didn’t know who these soldiers were or why they were taking us.
We were ordered to get out of the car by a Spanish speaking soldier and to be separated. Women and children in one line and men in another. I had a horrible feeling in my chest something bad was about to happen… and it did. When we began to get closer to the entrance of this huge cement looking building the soldier told my mother and I we were going into separate places because I am too young to go where my mom is going. “NO! Yo no voy ir… no voy a dejar a mi mama! Ustedes son monstrous! (I will not go, I’m not going to leave my mom! You are monsters!)” I screamed as I held onto my mother. My mother couldn’t stop crying as she held onto me pleading with the soldiers to let her keep me, but they told her No. At that moment my mom’s beautiful smile vanished. My whole world crashed, I felt an enormous pain in my chest, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I felt as though someone stabbed me in my chest except no blood came out. “Sofia toda va estar bien mija, tienes que ser fuerta para mi mamita. Te prometo vamos estar juntos pronto (Sofia everything will be okay my daughter, you must be strong for me. I promise you we'll be together soon) my mother told me. The last words my mother ever told me.
I kept looking at the sky waiting for something to happen, for someone to tell me it was a bad dream... but that never happened. I remember spending my nights on the cold cement floors surrounded by hundreds of other kids some older than me some younger. They gave us foil like blankets, but they were hard shiny covers that didn’t even help with the cold. All I could remember was crying and asking the soldiers where my mother was, but no one replied to me. No one talked to me, I felt as if I was dead. Everything I did was watched, the food was disgusting, and the soldiers were mean. One time this girl wouldn’t stop crying even after the soldiers yelled at her to stop, they took her away and we didn’t see her for a few days.
When she did come back she was covered in bruises and was never the same. Eventually I was taken from that facility and placed in a house with a few other kids. I asked the lady who took care of us if I could see my mother, but she told me I would never see her again, she’s gone. “Where is my mom!?!? The soldiers wouldn’t reply to me, but you will. Where is my mother, and I want to speak to her NOW!” screamed Sofia. “Don’t you dare raise your raise to me, sit down and shut your mouth. Your mother from what I was told died. She got sick in the detention center and died in their hospital ward. Now shut up and eat your damn food.” the caretaker replied. I dropped to the floor and cried, trying to breathe but I felt as though I was being stabbed repeatedly. I wanted to die in that very second, I wanted to runaway I didn’t want to be there.
I stayed on the floor for hours, the caretaker kept telling me to get up, but I just laid on the floor as a lifeless body.. Some of the other kids tried to comfort me and even gave me some of their candy to help me stop crying but nothing could take this pain away. Every day I spent in that hell hole I wanted to die, I wanted to be reunited with my mother. I would spend days in bed sleeping so I could dream about her. That is until the Smith family adopted me. The Smith family were a very classy, religious and strict family. The woman was very loving and was always patient with me, especially since I spoke with a Spanish accent and I was very tan compared to them. The man was very strict and mean to me, he would make fun of my accent and my curly hair. He'd say I'm going to have to fix my hair and accent in order to be ever be taken serious. His “kind” words of constant reminders of how much of a failure I was going to be were what got me through much of my time in school; I didn’t have many friends and I rarely went out. Instead I dedicated my time reading books and writing in my journal. Have you ever felt like you didn’t belong somewhere? My whole life I felt as if I was never good enough for the things I had, I felt as though I belonged somewhere else.
From the moment I was taken into the Smiths house I never felt complete. Of course Mrs. Smith was an extraordinary woman, she taught me all the necessities I needed to know in my life from cooking to driving a car, but Mr. Smith was a misogynistic man; he always tore me down and never gave me an ounce of appreciation or respect. Yet when I applied for colleges, he was the one who got me interviews with the head of board for Yale and Princeton. Whenever I needed someone to help me with schoolwork he had always been there and helped me. He confused me to say the least but nonetheless I could tell he hated my people. They molded me into what they wanted me to be; but they never could take my heritage from me. I no longer speak with a strong Spanish accent, but I do still have tan skin and curly hair. Today is my birthday June 16 and today is also the day I graduate from college. “honey we are so proud of you and the woman you’ve become!” chanted Mrs. Smith. “Yes Sofia, your mother and I both are very proud of you now fix your gown before it wrinkles.” remarked Mr. Smith. Sofia looked to the sky and could feel the hug her mother gave her one last time.
As she walked into the line to grab her diploma she investigated the crowd of people and saw her parents, The Smiths, accompanied by another woman with curly hair. As Sofia grabbed her diploma she joined her family and starred at this woman who seemed so familiar. “Sofia darling there’s something your father and I would like to tell you. A few years ago, we found out your mother was still alive and she was still looking for you, we reached out to her but she was now living in Mexico and couldn’t seek asylum so we agreed to send her updates of you and your life every month. She wanted to come sees you years ago but we didn’t want you to be distracted from your studies, you’re such an intelligent woman and your future is so bright your father had pulled many strings for you to be here. I know this can be overwhelming but please find it in your heart to speak to her” said Mrs. Smith. As Sofia looked at her real mother tears came down her face in disbelief and all that pain, she felt the past few years left. “Mamiiiiiiiiiii” cried Sofia.
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